10:37 AM - THE COULD’VE BEENS AND WOULD’VE BEENS
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

UNEXPRESSED LOVE???? IS IT???

This is not unrequited love ,no sir !!!! it aint that,it could at best be described as unrealised love or unexpressed desire..jeeeez god alone knows what the hell it was.Two things that happened yesterday i talked to two girls and and they were the two girls who made me feel,that something,how would i describe it???? well in my words i would say they gave me that feeling of  “BEING HIGH” albeit a natural high no chemical assistance here,being a complete teetotaller i think this is what being high meant, that extreme feeling of exhiliration,that strange feeling bordering on euphoria .

Well one was the girl i had met couple of years ago maybe five, it was magic when i first saw her it was a CRUSH at first sight( love no i havent loved anyone yet), more than her personality it was that sheer beauty that attracted  me,  she was the most gorgeous creature in God’s creation that the human eye could get to gorge on..lol(i know i am going into hyberbole here..but uch was the impact she had on me). That first glance at her and i was making enquiries as to what name was given to this certainly celestial creature(could be an angel i dnt know) well non e around me knew,so i guessed i being in the same class i got another one year to find out the same, but to my utter i actually went upto her and thought what the heck and asked her name and found out that very same day. Boy!!!!! what an impact that had one me talking to her and listening to her ..for the next one week i didnt have a clue about myself or what was happening,frankly this was a first in my humble life, it was as if all of a sudden in the placid waters of my life a water lilly bloomed(hyperbole again…arghhhhh not able to check that),well i was high and thought this must be how people on dope felt.I started seeing things ,suddenly salma hayek started resembling this girl ,yeah salma hayek(that exotic of most exotic beauties).Well as this went on all the highs of seeing her talking to her etc, my stupid cynical mind got to work in full earnest and among other logical reasons to get out of that magical spell was that maybe i am not good enough for her and the best excuse was she already has a boyfriend, well later when she broke up with him too i thought maybe i wasnt good enough and now  when i think i am good enough and confident she is happily almost engaged to her current boy freind whom she is going to marry very soon.lol such is life. No , i am not bitter but infact i am ghlad she was in my life,YEAH I DID TELL HER ONCE THAT I USED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON HER, i experienced things that were all beautiful,there wasnt any pain because i didnt believe i could be in love and thought of the whole thing as a mere crush on someone beautiful.Thats why i called it a COULD’VE HAVE BEEN love if i belived in it and myself and set forth in trying to achieve it positively. There went a golden opportunity but it still left a sweet taste in my mouth no bitterness at all. yesterday afternoon she called after seeing an sms from me and it was like the one or two times she called me of her own accord rather than me calling her.It still makes my day.

it was unexpressed/unrecognised feelings maybe……… but,truly uplifting..

She sat there in her bed in pain, in boredom, with thoughts of …. Nothing as she mastered the art of keeping her mind a clean slate, a state which is so rare , so hard to achieve, she did as a natural course of things … There she was watching something onthe telly …. And amidst all this there is smile hidden some where behind those eyes , those lips …. A sense of humour an idea of fun which only the most discerning eye can catch and a lucky mind can fathom ,….. Lucky me !!

Now that I think of it , it amazes me and makes me smile in wonder and awe at how things fell into place and happened the way they did. I had taken flight and was so busy soaring high into the sky running on hi-octane fuel called “hope”, that I felt only angels could fly higher or in the same level as me. As i flew higher and higher and got closer to the destination and when I finally reached it , it wasn’t the paradise i had dreamt of or the hope filled dreamland I had hoped for, and as I reached there, I was made to realise that those wings I set flight on were…Alas!!! the wings of Icarus and as they melted and I began to crash and tumble and thought I would probably hit the ocean floor or the hard and unforgiving earth for I hadnt carried a parachute with me ( I was risking all ) I losed my eyes prepared myself  for the impact.

To my utter delight and pleasant surprise all along there was a support system, a network of close friends and buddies who were there waiting with their arms open to catch me when I crash landed and thanks to all ther efforts here I am today in one piece albiet with a gaping hole in the place where there was an engine , an engine which was fueled on this hi-octane fuel called “HOPE”.

Here’s to all you saviours thanks a lot buddies without ya all I dont know where I would be…….

Richard Bach…run for you money man….;-)

First love for me didnt happen in school or college, nothing happened other than a crush…no nothing actually other than an admiration for Aishwarya rai and anna kournikova…..slowly as i collected more pics of them ( courtsey the net )…..they just receded from my memory and thoughts. I had my first crush after college, it lasted two days at the max, sounds ludicrous but then hey…i talked myself out of being silly schoolboy….You see when you put your brains to it, the charm of madness is lost and it shows for itself what it is….’silly/mad’…lol. My first love, I have never come round to calling it that till now, but well, it may as well be that for I after all the brainstorming with myself couldn’t come up with a better description, has happened hardly an year ago. Yeh!!! I am late bloomer , not that I have been a stone cold fossil till then, it just never happend is all.

Yeh there were the intially excitement…..and all those emotions, which culminated one fine day into taking a break from it all…..especially with her suggestions that I will meet better people and balah blah……I followed her advise and tried all that believe me, and I Thank God !! I ended in failure in trying to make someone else be better for me and replace her, For now after almost year later Its come a full circle, after all my wanderings and searches I am back to where it began, for first love is always that First and remains so. Whats the point trying to run away.

I realised its effect on me , the realisation…..it suddenly brought my life back into focus, i was losing it, where I couldn’t care less about anything…some strange void, some odd-lacking…i don’t know……But today I was so happy when the realisation of past few days….settled in as reality….realisation…..God help me, guide me, make it happen……